I found another post - it.
It doesn’t matter how much positive thinking I’ve been doing lately or how much stronger I feel. It all came back in a rush upon seeing your hand writing. The lines doubled back on one another like dark little acrobats.
The illustrations that accompanied the words, and the smilies we kept exclusively for each other as half-joke-half-secrets, were what made the tears well behind my lids. Every time I blinked they resisted rising again as though some watery adhesive rather than saline was emitted from my ducts.
When I finally was able to look up, I noticed it was eleven eleven, and I found myself wishing that we weren’t best friends, and that you hadn’t got so angry at me all the time.
I thought about calling you today, but I’m glad I didn’t.
A mind’s eye needn’t blink, and mine has seen fit to cast its perennial gaze upon you, steadily watching and anxiously quiet. I had crafted one idea after another for a new beginning, but we’ve always known that was never an option, or at least you’ve known and wouldn’t hear a word to the contrary. Maybe one day your mind and your beauty, like mine, will up and slither away and perhaps then I’ll not be burdened with all this regret; with all this rhetoric of what could have been, this lying in the Earth not only waiting but wishing to die, this begging each thought to kindly be the last. The pox (you know, the one that’s got me hoping a raven will feast on my eyes) upon me for those three years of very mixed luck may never lift, but the severity of this mess and the helplessness I feel have given me a pile of emotions to hide behind. And when the antidepressants run out or the money to buy them is no more I will always have this curse, which may never again allow me to feel quite so sorry for myself. Whatever this is I’m feeling it is so far beyond pain that the term has ceased to mean a thing to me.
I, unlike you, am not glad you didn’t call when the thought occurred to you. I know that this is all my fault, but I need you to know that I love you and miss you and not a single second passes by without leaving traces of you in my heart.
